Recipe for Happiness

We all want to be happy, but sometimes, we get caught up in memories that we cannot let go of, feelings that we cannot change or situations, in which we feel trapped. At those times, it is hard to imagine happiness. We all know those dark moments. This is for those days of darkness and isolation. This is for making peace with yourself and others and moving on. This is my recipe for happiness.

1. Accept yourself. It is hard, but we have to accept ourselves, which includes the whole package that we are: our body, our way of thinking, our needs, our age, our worries, our internal contradictions, our unrealistic desires or expectations, our sometimes too high hopes, our complexities, our one-sided take-away from our past, our insecurities and talents. We cannot change who we are, but we have to live with ourselves, so we have to make peace and accept ourselves. (That doesn't mean we cannot work hard to improve many aspects of our lives.)

2. Accept your past. There is no way you can change the past, so you have to accept it. This doesn't mean you have to agree to the ways in which others treated you badly or the moments your made wrong decisions that keep following you. Try to acknowledge the unpleasant experiences that you went through and then focus on the future. Learn from mistakes, wrongful treatment, painful experiences and shift gear. You have the power to change your life and make sure that your future is better.

3. Learn how to be alone. Only if we are alone, we can truly find ourselves. Don't cover that quietness up with music, TV, radio or constant company. Find the quiet inside of you and get to know yourself properly. Deal with your soul and your thoughts and figure out what you want and need.

4. See others with your heart. Measure people by their good intentions. Don't get distracted by their possessions, looks, achievements, and peer group, but see how they interact with you before you pass judgement on them. They may come from a different socio-economic class, ethnic background, another country with a different religion or culture, etc., etc. but they may be trying to do the right thing. Attempt to understand life from their perspective with all their worries and sets of constraints.

5. Be kind. Don't be suspicious about people and give everyone the benefit of a doubt. Most of us are trying to live our life as best we can, but people make mistakes, most of them NOT on purpose. Forgive them and give them second chances. Treat everyone with kindness. They will remember and think of you as they treat others with kindness themselves.

6. Don't hold grudges. Grudges don't lead anywhere, they just poison the present and the memories of the past. Forgive people their errors, their mistreatment of you and move on. Turn the energy that it takes you to hold grudges into something positive.

7. Don't waste time. Time is all we have in life, so don't waste it on things that don't matter in the long run. Spend it with people who are close to you, family and friends and try to make life better for you and them. Leave something useful behind that friends and family can remember you by, once your time is up. Leave them with many positive memories, gifts, smiles. Also leave them money, if you can, to make their lives easier. Let them think of you with warmth and gratefulness to have been close to you. Set an example. Be brave and do all the things you wanted to do while you are still healthy and have time: climb that mountain, run that marathon, write that book, travel to that special place, meet that old friend again that you miss and tell people how you feel about them. Do everything you can, so that you have no regrets at the end of your life.

8. Move. Humans are not made for being inactive. Our bodies need to move. See to it that you stay as active as you can. Go for a walk outside, play sports or run with the kids, take an exercise class. If we sit at work 8-10 hours a day, we have to compensate by being active for the rest of the day. We may fit a walk/run into your lunch break or get a desk, at which we can stand. Some can set up a treadmill under the standing desk and walk while at work. Moving makes us healthier and happier.

9. Eat good food. Good food doesn't mean it has to be expensive, but you should eat healthy most of the time. A good meal makes you feel better instantly. Learn how to cook, use a variety of vegetables and engage in the adventure of preparing healthy, balanced meals (not overloaded with carbohydrates) for yourself and your loved ones. It may take some time to get it right, but you will improve and it will make you feel good. As you learn about foods, spices, and different ways of cooking, you will be more and more in control of your body, which will give you confidence and make you feel better.

10. Use your brain. Try to figure things our by yourself and make up your own mind about things. Have an opinion and share it. There are so many people trying to tell us what to think and what is right and wrong, that we sometime follow the loudest or the richest or the most persuasive. But we should always try to think things through on our own and see if we honestly agree with others before we join any bandwagon. Don't give others power over you by following them blindly.

11. Work hard. Do your best at your job to develop the skills to reach your full potential. Don't cut corners, but devote enough time and energy to learn your trade from the bottom up, inside-out. As your skills develop, acknowledgement in your profession will come your way.

12. Stay curious and keep learning. Life is all about change and adapting to change. As we grow older, we still have to keep adapting to new ways of doing things (e.g. new technologies), learn about new discoveries, new ways of teaching, new evidence about the past, etc. If you want to stay relevant and be part of the current discussions, you have to keep up, which includes being informed and nurturing your curiosity.

13. Do something different every week. Spice your life up with tiny, little changes that you make every week. Take a new way to work, try a new lunch place, go to a different park, find a new trail, eat some new foods, cook a new recipe, try a new skill, talk to someone you do not know etc., etc. This will keep your life a bit more exciting and there are so many awesome things out there, you may discover a whole range of new things that you like and would otherwise have never experienced.

14. Clean up and declutter. As we take care of your bodies, we should also take care of our living space. Declutter and minimize the things in your home. It will give you space to breathe and lets you focus on more important things.

15. Be part of a group. Join a group, it can be a spiritual, political or religious group, an exercise group, a group of volunteers helping at the local library or the senior citizen home, etc., etc. Find a group and a cause that your find worthwhile and donate your time and energy. You will make connections with like-minded people, build your social network, and feel better about yourself and the world.

16. Don't waste money. Don't waste money on things you don't really need. It makes no sense. Once money is spent, it is hard to earn it back.

17. Minimize watching TV. We have a short time here on earth, so don't waste it in front of the TV. We can make real contributions to the world, if we try and put our minds to it. In order to do that we do NOT have to be rich (like the Gates' family), but just determined like Malala.

18. Acknowledge beauty around you. Go outside and open your eyes. Contemplate nature and discover the beauty around you. It will make you feel part of the bigger picture and can make you feel grateful to be alive.

What is Balance?

We all have busy lives. We have deadlines at work, family obligations and some days we barely manage to do everything we are supposed to do. We worry about traffic and commute. We have to rush to make our meetings on time, being prepared enough. As parents we rush to get everything done for our kids: sign and return permission slips for school, to pack a healthy, well-balanced lunch that they will actually eat;  to pick them up on time; to drop them off to their activities with all the supplies they need; to have a dinner available when the evening comes, of course we strive for home-made and healthy. Most of us don’t have paid helpers, so we have to manage on our own. On many days, we barely make it and compromise our high standards quite a bit. The kid may go to school with not such a healthy lunch after all and dinner may be take-out, some of the clothes may be semi-clean, etc. On most days we experience some kind of stress that comes from rushing all the time. With so busy lives, it seems strange to get up every morning rushing around all day and then go to bed again in order to perform the same dance the next day. It is hectic for most families, but it is so much harder for single parents who work full-time and have to get their kids organized and ready by themselves every day.

In a culture that is so focused on work, it is difficult to find balance. Between working full-time, commuting, and the kid’s activities, there is barely any time to spare. Many people do not even have the time to unwind after a busy day of work, because they are already stressed out about the next day. Living such a hectic life doesn’t seem healthy or sane. It not only makes you wonder how people can endure it in the long run, but you also start doubting the deeper meaning in life. In order to stay healthy, we all need to take time for ourselves. We need unstructured time to relax, recharge and to do “nothing”. We need this valuable time to process things, to remain sharp, but also in order to avoid serious health risks. It allows us to grow, to find what makes us happy, and to progress. 

Unstructured time allows you to figure out what you are really interested in. If you never have free time, how will you know what you like? You keep rushing from one appointment to the next and at the end of a busy day you fall into bed while watching TV without that healthy meal that you had originally promised yourself, you have no time to reflect. When you have some unstructured time, it gives you the chance to take a breather, you can ignore all your to-do-lists for a while and some stress will fall right off you. If instead you run away from the silence that accompanies unstructured time and switch on your TV or radio, you miss an opportunity to refresh your brain. Unstructured time makes you creative. If you have nothing specific to do, you have time to think about things that were on your mind, may get clarity or start to tinker with things. You may enjoy an intellectual challenge that you stumble upon and want to pursue and notice that you like applying your brain in new ways. As some studies have shown, you may have some really great ideas while you are not specifically trying to solve problems or focus on something. Subconsciously, you may be digesting the things that went on at work or in a group setting, but in your free time, you may be able to make sense of it all and find unexpected innovative solutions.

The most creative and innovative thinkers came up with their ideas, inventions or new ways to understand the world while being alone and experiencing unstructured time: Plato sat in his cave, Newton under a tree, Einstein on his bike, and Stephen Jobs in his garage when the innovative ideas hit them. Not that we all have to become geniuses like them or need to develop ideas that have the power to transform the world, but in order to find balance and to understand yourself and your surroundings, we have to spend some time alone in an unstructured environment.

Even for people who don’t work full-time it is hard to find balance. We have the tendency to overdo things that we perceive as important: e.g. if we want to lose weight, our whole life suddenly revolves around the gym, running, swimming, eating, etc. If we focus on being healthy, we tend to instantly devote most of our day to buying great ingredients, cooking and baking fresh foods and observing what we ear. If we want to learn a new skill, we suddenly dive into it, forgetting other things and sometimes people that are important to us. It must be part of human nature that we start obsessing about things. In order to live a healthy life, there needs to be a balance between all the different aspects that make up a good life: the social, intellectual, professional, spiritual, and individual dimensions. If you are not challenged enough in your daily routine, you tend to become lazy and unsatisfied. Even though you don’t have so many things to do, it may get harder and harder for you to do them all, because you are not challenged.

On the other hand, rushing all the time not only makes life less fun, but it also has serious health risks. Recent studies have shown that the levels of hormones that regulate appetite are profoundly influenced by sleep duration and sleep deprivation. Sleep loss is associated with an increase in appetite that is excessive in relation to the caloric demands of extended wakefulness. At the same time, when we feel under stress, we start producing a stress hormone that slows down our metabolism so that we can survive longer on less food. So, if we don’t sleep enough, the production of the appetite reducer is inhibited and we tend to eat more, even though we are not hungry. Due to the lack of sleep, we will not be able to control out food intake levels which necessarily leads to increased waistlines and an increased risk for diabetes. At the same time, gaining weight causes even more stress. Instead of sleeping more to counteract the process, we chose the opposite and make our life even more hectic: schedule more time for the gym and may end up getting even less sleep because of it, which again will increase our waistline.

Balance is not only a problem that parents and adults struggle with, but it also deeply affects children. Many children have lives that are far too busy and too structured. After school, they usually to go to after school care or have scheduled activities, like soccer, baseball, basketball, instrument lessons, etc. or they have planned playdates, visits to doctors, the library, museums or any other kind or activities organized by their well-meaning parents. Recent studies comparing child-raising in the United States with that of other nations have found that in order for children to grow up to be independent, well-rounded, creative, and smart, they need a larger amount of unstructured time, in which children can discover the world through role play. Extensive role play in young years, can free them from anxiety as they practice living through dangerous situations through play. It also allows them to figure out what they are good at and what they enjoy. Having more free or unstructured time as a child, these studies found, makes us smarter, braver, and much more creative. 

As long as the U.S. system doesn’t have the provisions for working parents to take better care of their children (e.g. paternity leave, extended maternity leave, reduced or more flexible work-week for parents) that already exist in many other countries, the weekly rush will probably not change. This means that finding balance is left up to us adults/parents. We have to make a more conscious effort to allow ourselves to rest and sleep enough and to raise our children in an environment that does not keep them busy all day. Instead, we have to allow them to experience plenty of unstructured time that challenges them to be creative and in which they can discover themselves and the world.