What is Vanity?

These days, it seems that a big part of our lives revolves around vanity. We are constantly connected to social media sources, where we share many instances or sequences of our lives. We keep others informed about what we are doing, with whom, and how much fun that was, etc by posting regular selfies. Last year, more than one million selfies are taken per day. The majority of them were shot by individuals in the age range from 18-24. So even mundane situations, like picking up fruit in a grocery store, buying a latte in a coffee shop or finding a rare creature while working in the yard, will be documented, shared, commented on. Since everyone desires positive feedback from their connections, friends or followers, we begin to imagine our next post long ahead of time: the situation/event that would lend itself; the interesting backdrop; the facial expression that would work with it; and not to forget a witty caption. Then, while posing and clicking the picture of ourselves, we use various slightly different angles to get the best shot, which we carefully select afterwards. And even after deciding which one to use, more than a third of selfie posters admitted to changing/editing their self portraits in some ways before publishing it on social media.

Vanity has become a constant companion and in our thoughts that creates and highly censors the self-image that we present to the world. As people engaged more and more with social media, individuals become their own brands intending to appeal to the broader audience. Approval ratings can be measured in likes, new friend requests, new followers, new connections or new additions to one's circles. While the spheres of the public and private become more blurry as the number of narcissistic individuals increases and life begins to revolve more and more around the intended effect of a post, some real life activities become far less spontaneous and more planned out than many of us would care to admit. The current narcissistic trend of constantly double-checking oneself reminds us of the Greek myth of Narcissus who drowned because he could not take his eyes off his own reflection in the water. Many of today's young adults who over-engage with social media experience similar psychological and social problems that may seem unexpected judging from the happy and confident images that they post. Their own vanity can isolate them, like Narcissus, and take them away from society. For the broader community this leads to a set of other, much deeper lying questions about young adult's identity: What is the real reason that leads them to crave the constant desire or even need of approval and specifically the approval of people they mostly don't even know or don't know well? Why and how have superficial perceptions become so important that they can trump other values that have a much more important effect on our communities?

The generation of my late grandmother would find this trend to document oneself tasteless and misplaced. She and her contemporaries would have wondered who would feel comfortable or rather important enough to record themselves throughout the day. She would have found this absurd. She would have wondered how anybody could think that their daily life could be of interest to others to such an extent that they document it, unless they people of interest in public life. Humbleness and willingness to work hard were the characteristics that people of her time and her context (rural Western Europe) adored. They believed that one should always do good, but not talk about it, because bragging was simply taboo. Showing or appearing arrogant or boastful were unforgivable sins. But individuals of her time made the utmost effort to appear appropriately dressed, even in the harshest economic times. They wanted to be regarded as respectable people in their community and display and guard their good reputation.

The generation of my parents who grew up in the postwar years experienced very harsh times in which hunger, losing loved ones, and poverty unfortunately were the norm. Interestingly enough, though, despite all the hardship vanity still survived and, as I was told, some teenage girls were so concerned with fashion trends that they slept with their hair in curlers made out of toilet paper rolls. Due to economics, fashion was simple those days in Western Europe. After the war, it consisted of patchwork styles (as seen on the skirt on the right) and of re-purposing military uniform jackets, because that was what was available. Since many men were gone after the war, women competed over the few that were there (and not wounded) and were extra careful with their bodies and looks, but life certainly did not revolve around vanity, but much more substantial things: money to buy the basic necessities, education, work, and rebuilding life in a very different way than the previous generations.

Today, vanity and selfies are not at all frowned upon, but instead they are acceptable, expected, and even encouraged among peers. And yes, there is social pressure to post more selfies, so that all the connections can get a better picture about what is going on in someone's life. This is a competitious enterprise and full of judgments. You don't only want to look as good as possible, but hopefully much even better than some of your connections, friends or ""frenemies." You want to come across as more fashionable, skinnier, outgoing, and brave. You also want to have the more interesting/diverse backdrop for your selfies. With the invention of the selfie-stick even better self-documentation can be achieved and a more realistic images of your surroundings can be captured while taking a self-portrait. Unfortunately, the competition over the most exclusive shots has led to a rising number of death in 2014. Not only do many people risk their lives by taking selfies hanging from walls or jumping off buildings, but also being in close proximity to dangerous animals or standing on the tip of the highest skyscrapers. It appears to be a highly disproportionate risk for the possibility of a great photo of oneself. Still, for many young people the possibility of short-lived fame on social media may justify it. This not only goes to show that we humans or a large portion of our species are not at all as intelligent as we could be. Self-protection and securing one's own survival should be highest on the list of priorities.

Taking selfies can not only leads to physical danger, injuries, and possible death, but also and more importantly to deep psychological problems. Narcissism does not only encompass revolving around yourself and needing constant reaffirmation of ones own importance from outside sources, but it is above all the result of a deep-rooted inner insecurity. There is the sad, unimaginable story of the British young man Danny Bowman (19), a so-called "selfie addict" who was aiming for a perfect selfie and attempted hundreds of times per day, but was never satisfied with the outcome. He skipped school and stayed inside his house for six month while he kept on trying. He lost a lot of weight and his whole life tilted out control with an attempted suicide attempt. It is taking long-winded treatment to make it possible for him to rejoin society and participate in normal life. This shows that the mental problems that accompany selfie addicts are serious and should not be underestimated. According to a medical professional selfie-takers have an "extremely high suicide rate."

Studies have shown though, that most of selfies are taken by young women. On the one hand it has to do with the stereotypes about women. Women are always expected to look gorgeous, even if they happen to have stressful lives (e.g. full-time jobs and a family to take care of) with little time to work out or focus on their eating habits. On the other hand, it has been argued that this is a way for women to reclaim their own bodies. Taking selfies, women are in total control of their own pictures and decide on the concrete composition of the image. This has been understood as a form of empowerment. If this is actually a way of cutting the chains of expectations that surround women is clearly debatable. In many ways, it seems to feed into the old stereotypes that women are only seen and not heard. As long as this doesn't lead to any further action that is relevant for a broader section of society, in my opinion, this has little to do with empowerment. The time spent on rotating around oneself and finding the perfect image of oneself could be spent with many more useful activities that would change the world (and the image and perception of women) in a more positive way. Maybe vanity and narcissism are used as a way of escaping reality and ignoring the larger problems that need to be addressed (like poverty, education, racism, violence, etc.)? Maybe some young people can avoid the world and their responsibility in it as long as they don't admit that they are actually part of it. If they live in vanity and rotate around themselves, they identify more with their online world than the real world, which leads to a whole new set of problems.

As parents, we have to wonder how we can protect our children from this growing trend of vanity. We have to make sure that we raise our kids with enough confidence that they don't need constant reassurance from third parties, that they grow up with a secure belief in themselves and the community around them. We have to let them know that as humans we have to accept ourselves and our bodies and that those images of seemingly perfect people that flood the media are highly edited and unnatural. We have to make sure that they are grounded in the real world, so that they grow up with a feeling of belonging. This will allow them to feel empathy and become active for people who need them and causes that they find worthy. We have to teach them that vanity is short-lived and the important things in life take time and a lot of effort to come to fruition. Real accomplishments through dedication and hard work will earn them respect, whereas even the greatest selfie will only give them fame for a very short time, should they even get there. We have to let them know that vanity leads to isolation and despair and cannot make anyone happy in the end.

What is a Friend?

Many people have several hundred facebook friends, hundreds or even thousands of followers on twitter, linkedIn, and other social media websites. This makes you wonder, what these “friends,” “followers” or “connections” really are and what functions to they fulfill in our daily lives. What are friends? And can the interaction with virtual circles actually be a substitute for face-to-face friendships that we have in real life? And what does it mean for our society that we have so many “friends”?

As we all know, friends are generally selected individuals who we are in close personal contact with. They know us, care for us, understand us, and worry about us when something is wrong. They are people we trust. Often we share the same interests, having met them through a joint hobby or we come from the same home town having grown up together. We share the memories of fun times and remember other bad times when they were there for us and we needed them. Friends have each other’s backs. Where I come from (Germany), real friends are special. One doesn’t accumulate a whole lot of them during a lifetime, but the ones you make, you keep. Friends don’t include everyone you ever met during high school or during activities, but only a selected few who truly know you and who are worth spending time with. This may be different in other countries where the term is used much more inclusively. With these selected few, you try to stay in touch throughout your life via phone, email, facebook (if they are on it) and meet in person as much as possible, but with age, needs of the family, and growing physical distance it may be more and more difficult to see each other regularly. But when you are lucky enough to see them again, even after years, it still feels the same and surprisingly you pick up right where you left off. 

So how is it different with online friendships? Granted, many of the connections we have in social media are people from our childhood, adolescence, college, grad school or work. So we did spend real time with them at some point. But what about all those people who we don’t really know and still have in our platforms as friends, connections, followers? We accept friends, because they follow us, accept us first, without a background check, without testing the chemistry, without sharing anything with them. Why do we do that? It probably has to do with human nature, with our necessity to be liked, that someone finds us interesting, and our hope to be understood. We like if others like and share our posts, because it shows us that we are not irrelevant to others. At the same time it also changes all values that used to accompany friendship. In social media websites we blindly trust, if we may accept someone as a friend who we don’t know, who nobody recommended to us and who we may not share any interest with. 

By using social media one shifts from becoming a private person to a public person. The spheres of private and public become blurred, even if one only shares information in specific circles, others may still become aware of it. As soon as someone comments or likes one of your posts, other circles gain access to that same information, even though it was meant to be private. Being aware of that, most people don't share the same information online as they would in person. Others enjoy being in the lime-light and get inspired by having a virtual audience and may share even more. Still others see it as teaching tool, as a way to spread their way of life, their views, their political opinions and use it massively. So for most people the online content differs strongly from what they would share in face-to-face meetings with friends.

But can online sharing fulfill the same function as sharing among friends? Probably online comments can instantly make you feel better, noticed, appreciated or consoled. Social media is a great forum to share information quickly and get instant feedback. People can send immediate positive vibes and give instant virtual hugs. That surely has a positive effect on the individual who is in need of comfort. Also, if you just won something (lottery or award) or finished your first marathon or half-marathon (still on my bucket list!) people can instantly congratulate you and enhance your sense of accomplishment. So for positive achievements, it is wonderful to spread the word. When new babies are born, within hours many mothers post the photos of their new babies on facebook, so that everyone in their circles can adore them. Also, if you have any sort of bad news, you can share it with your circles and get instant feedback, e.g. if you locked yourself out of the house again, if you are stranded with a flat tire, if your hot water stopped working in the middle of winter, if your son broke his arm jumping down the staircase, etc. Your friends and followers instantly send good vibes, best wishes, virtual hugs and things already seem a little better. Some even send real help to get you out of your crisis. Even when close friends or relatives die, people tend to post the announcements on facebook. They receive instant condolence messages that make them feel less alone. So all these things are positive as they bring people closer together faster. 

But be aware, if a person over-shares (e.g. pictures of every meal, most outfits, and most activities) others may block them or start to ignore all their posts. Nobody’s life is that interesting all the time that we crave ALL the details, right? At times, we may also ignore a person, because their life seems not spectacular enough as mirrored in the photos and comments they post on social media. They may not have a gift with words or may not be so good looking or may not live very daring lives, so we consciously or subconsciously ignore them or may decide stop following them. As quickly as we started following them, because they seemed interesting at that time, we may drop them. Being "in" and "out" changes quickly and online trends are fleeting. So, in contrast to real friendships, online connections can be very superficial and short-lived. At times, online posts seem like a popularity contest or a demonstration of who has the best, most comfortable life, who looks the best (for their age) and who "made it." But we always have to remember that any online presence is very controlled: You only share what you want others to know. This put forward only those parts of yourself that you want to publicize and leaves a lot of open blanks, which create a quite distorted image of yourself. And even the information that is shared, may not even be accurate, but purposefully picked to impress others.

Online friendships can boost our ego and fulfill short-term needs that we may crave. Social media platforms created an easy way to stay in touch with many people that we share some personal or professional history with, but all online connections, circles, friends or followers can never substitute real friends. While you gain some insights into parts of people's lives and maybe a few of their thoughts and daily routines through social media, you cannot really see who they are, who they have become, and who they want to be. You cannot sit with them over a cold beer or a glass of red wine after a good meal and talk, laugh or cry with them about things that really matter to you.